My new roomate is of the female persuasion, and as a result I've been learning the ways of civilized folk. Gone are the days of cashing bowls into the empty Funyuns bags on my feet, arrived are the days of tucking savage morning wood into my waistband. But ushering my personal hygene out of third world standards was only the first benfit of her presence.
In addition, my roomate brought her morbidly obese cat into what I now understand is my aimless, empty life. This is not your run-of-the-mill fat cat mind you. This is a stunning, tail-less, geometrically perfect globe of feline. If it had two assholes side by side, it would be hard to tell which way it's facing, like a crafty moth.
I've never had a bond with a lower life form that even approaches this level of respect and, dare I say, intimacy. We play many games, namely 'Diabetes', which is where I feed it again after my roomate leaves for work. But as inevitably happens to young love, some of the initial passion and spontinaity drained out of the relationship. I decided to share a piece of myself with my newfound friend, and see if we couldn't bottle that early lighting. That's right, I was going to get that fat fucker high as all balls.
As usual, I also had an alterior motive. I'd heard about blowing pot smoke into a dog or cat's ear to get them stoned, and always wanted to test the theory.
Step one: internet research. I'm not a total moster, so if this was going to cause instant seizures, I wanted to have a spoon or wallet ready. To my shock and dismay, internet research turned up little in the way of reliable knowledge. The only people discussing the topic in earnest were on 'pot.com' forums and the like, populated exclusively by the guy with the High Times pinup over his futon (remember, if you're having trouble distinguishing between naked women and plantlife, just ask yourself which one has a uteris). Now, you can't get much lower on the information legitimacy totem pole than stoner shut-ins who spend their days online posting about Visine product preference. Maybe if crackheads had websites, that would be worse, but crackheads don't have websites.
That said, the tragic, dickless illiterate on pot.com all agreed that you CAN get your pet high by blowing smoke in it's ear. One of them even used the word capillary, I was excited.Like an eager priest, I placed my unsuspecting quarry firmly on my lap. At first, I would take the hit myself and then slowly blow it in the cat's fluttering ear. The sloppy-seconds smoke was sort of deflecting off the thicket of ear hair, and it didn't seem like much was going into it's brain. It just wasn't satisfying, and it was clearly pissing the cat off pretty good.
So I switched tactic and filled the bowl up with smoke, then blew it into the little gent's ear. This strategy exceeded all expectation. After the cat's head hit that shit, a thin line of smoke slowly curled from it's ear for a SOLID ninety seconds. I thought it's inner-ear hair caught fire, but apparently it just takes that long for smoke to wisp out of a cat's endless labrynth of noggin-cavities. Then for a long time, nothing. No movement, no munchies, nothing. I was a little sad, but I was also stoned into oblivion and at my computer, so porn mercifully pushed the experiment to the back burner.
During round three my tennis elbow started acting up, and I had to shift position. I'll be damned if that stoned cat didn't roll off my lap like a dead four-year-old, and land flat on it's fat back. I thought it might indeed be dead, but when I twisted it's nipple, it gave a little mew. And that's how I learned I'm not as much fun when I get stoned as I think I am.
ugly words you can't unread.
Posts
